The Wife, The Dog and the Vibrator
77I share a bed with my wife, the wife’s doona, the wife’s dog and a vibrator. The vibrator is the wife's as well. The battery operated muscle toy I guess I have gotten used to, but the dog with all its kicking, scratching, and occasional flea migration has got to go.
Sharing Our Bed With Another
Not long after our tenth wedding anniversary and about a year after the stinky dog had joined us in bed my wife first informed me that we were going to be sharing the marital chamber with another. I immediately had images of a Sally, Debbie and I type encounter which was pretty cool and a subject that I had previously broached on occasion in the heat of our marital embraces. Then I realised that she might have meant a Sally, Tom and me experience and I don’t mind saying I was just a touch apprehensive about this turn of events. When Sally clarified her statement by saying that the “extra” was going to be a new and powerful vibrator I was horrified. Wasn’t I good enough? Didn’t I satisfy? Why the need? Why would my wife feel she needed extra loving from a cucumber shaped, battery operated toy. How could I prevent this from happening? This was serious competition. I could never measure up to a mechanical Casanova that consistently performed, never said it was “too tired”, buzzed and hummed in a way I never could, and was unlikely to make her to dress up as a maid. Was I even needed anymore? The writing was on the wall and I saw it all quite clearly. Our marriage was on the slippery slide down to that purgatory before divorce hell known to all married men as, separate bedrooms.
Separate Bedrooms
With separate bedrooms would come the loss of spontaneous bedroom sex on demand to be replaced by ritualised programmed sex metered out every Sunday morning after I had taken the dog for a walk, showered, made her breakfast, and fluffed her pillows.
With separate bedrooms gone would be the impulsive reaching out, the soft caressing of her back and the husky whispering in my most romantic voice, “I’m Horny” Gone would be the muffled sleep induced grunt reply that I had come to know and love that meant “whatever - just don’t wake me” No longer would I be jumping on the bed pounding clenched fists onto my chest to the wild call of “Me Tarzan, you Jane ”. I was doomed. My sex life was ruined and my marriage dead like four double A batteries that had done their job and were being thrown out in the garbage.
My Simple Face
Sally seeing the range of emotions play across my simple face that went from the "oh cool a threesome" stupid grin, through the why? why? why? look of confusion, to the look of utter despair when I realised I was redundant took pity on me. Sally tried to explain the reasons why a vibrator was needed in the bedroom. Yes I satisfied her but I didn’t SATISFY her. Some women have difficulty reaching climax through intercourse alone and the vibrator would help her enjoy sex just that so much more. My wife was still in love with me and the vibrator was not going to replace me but would add another dimension to our sex life which we both could use and enjoy. Sally then went on to explain other ways I could help her reach the big O and although it all sounded like a lot of hard work I agreed that I would try and try and keep trying till I got it right. Sally was asolutely correct, it did add a new dimension to our sex life and for her last birthday and to show Sally I understood the vibrator I bought a super large box of batteries. I also bought her a silver saphire brooch because I am not that simple.
Don't Panic
One last piece of support for you dudes out there. Don’t panic, go with the flow, talk with her about her needs and remember. A vibrator has its limitations. It can’t mow the grass or take out the garbage.
The Dog
Anyway back to the dog. Remember the dog? This was going to be a hub about the dog. The dog sucks and is probably Satan's Little Helper but it will now have to wait for my next hub.
.
If you feel like leaning a bit more this is a great educational website
- Vibrators - All you ever wanted to know and never knew how to ask
Statistics on vibrator use, different kinds of vibrators for sex play, tips on choosing vibrators, how to use vibrators, plus product reviews of vibrators and vibrator sex and safety tips.
________________________________________________________________
← Itsy-Bitsy-Tiny-Bikini What-Not-To-Donate-To-Charity →
________________________________________________________________
CommentsLoading...
Wow a comment.
Thanks RockChick you are beginning to Rock my world as well. It's hard writing with humour as you never really know if other people will get it. I have an image of myself being this sad old guy sitting down laughing and giggling at all his own jokes as the rest of the world shake their collective heads in wonder.
Thanks for the kind words.
LMAO!
So this is what you call "a lot more subtle" :D
Great job!
I got tears running down my face Misha. Do as I say. Not as I do. :)
*lol* Fun hub:D It reminds me to get new batteries:P
No Batteries no Buzz.
Thanks for seeing the fun side of it.
P.S. I just spent the last 40 minutes reading your hubs. Great Hubs.
Cheers
Brainstormer. That would be a tough one. I don't know if I would handle it as well as you, but what choice would one have, really? Is that what you Aussies call "putting another shrimp on the barbie?" Sorry. I couldn't resist. Great hub!
Thank you Brainstormer.:D Can't wait to read the hub on the Dog:P
Great read, sage advice. Loved your other hubs too- I'm a fan!
Thank you. I really appreciate the feedback. It was a lot of fun writing this hub and it is nice to get an idea on how others see it.
I read 2 of your hubs over the last half hour and found them to be extremely thought provoking.
Nice to meet you.
Ohh and Christoph Reilly, I read your work as well and I think you are one of the most talented writers at HubPages but that is "prawn" not "shrimp". In Australia we call them a prawn and it was really lame :)
I looked you up because I read a funny comment from you on another page, and I wasn't disappointed. I don't think you have to worry about people not getting it, unless they have no sense of humor what-so-ever. This was great and I am off to read more.
So I shouldn't worry about the car batteries that have been showing up around here? That's a load off my mind!
What is a doona?
Thanks all for calling past.
Rhym, I thoroughly enjoyed the tete-a-tete you and Christoph had on one of his hubs – which despite what he says you won. As a sometimes cook I loved your "Real Men Don't Eat Quiche" Hub and I have to agree with that sentiment we don't. We eat Egg Pie.
Car Batteries - Ohh man I am thinking about that one. Nahh don't worry unless she brings the mechanic back.
Victel - I wondered if this was going to get me into trouble. A doona is a soft feather filled blanket like bed cover. I thought about using "my wife's soft feather filled blanket like bed cover but it didn't seem to flow as well." Let me know the English equivalent will you please. Thanks for the feedback.
Oh, so you think Rhym won???? I didn't know it was a contest. Rhym is a very funny and sweet gal, and if she want's me to be a metrosexual, then a metrosexual I shall be, so pass the $75.00 Honey Wax Siberian Cavebear fat lip balm while I pucker up.
Brainstormer, am I going to have to drag out the big guns? Shrimp and prawns are not the same. While both are decopod crustaceans, they are of a different suborders. It may be that you don't have shrimp in the land "upside down", but to us Americans, "throw another shrimp on the barbie" is the quintisential Aussie remark propigated by that "Crockadile Dundee" character. But I am nothing if not a gracious loser and learner, so "put another PRAWN on the barbie and pass me one of those Fosters, mate."
Seriously, you're a great writer and funny too, and I love reading your stuff. As for the word "Doona", I wouldn't change your Australian words for things, as that makes it even more interesting.
P.S. I think Rhym is stalking me, or else I'm stalking her, I can't tell which. Ooo, I hope it's her. If it's me that would just be creepy.
Christoph, fair call. Shrimp, prawn, decopod crustacean who cares? So long as there is a Barbie and they all end up on it. Cold can of Fosters on its way. Hang on a sec. Barbie is the life partner of the de-genitised Ken. Now a Bar-B-Que is where all the outdoor cooking, drinking and shrimp devouring takes place. Sorry prawn devouring. Now I don't mean to be picky but you have touched on a "quintisential" Aussie subject here.
Thanks for the bit about the "doona". I was wondering.
Cheers and thanks for the laugh.
Christoph. I surrender. Paul Hogan did say "barbie" and he did say "shrimp". The bloke has a lot to answer for. :)
Thanks for your support Brainstormer, and I am thinking of changing my recipe to Egg Pie just for you. I have to say, though, that some of the above comments are such a dagg! For Christoph to give you a bit of a curry about PRAWNS...well it may be that he is a snag short of a barbie. Then there is the bit about me possible stalking HIM. Fair dinkum, who brought up who first on another hub?
I'd love to talk more strine with a true blue wizard of OZ, but it's time to say hooroo. Keep up the good work.
True Blue Wizard of OZ. Why didn't I think of that when it came to a pen name? I like that. I got dibs eveyone. As far who is stalking who is concerned I don't know. Who is the hunter, who is the prey.? Only time will tell but I see one of you ending up on the dinner table as roasted venison, perhaps with a redcurrent glaze?
Can you roast venison in a Bar-B-Que?
Actually, Brainstormer brought you and I up first. Let's not fight now, Sheila, after all we've been through. And Brainstormer gave me a bit of a curry about prawns first. I'm telling mom! Ya'll are ganging up on me when all I did was drop by to say hello. Somebody even went to Australian slang school just to stick it to me. Damn. I know where I'm not wanted. Goodbye, cruel hub!
"A vibrator has its limitations. It can’t mow the grass or take out the garbage." - suddenly i feel down. LOL
Nice Brainstormer . Keep it up.
Got your Vibs'r'Us valued customer card yet? Good fun, this hub, thumbs up :)
Matt, the mechanical marvel is pretty clever, but everything must have limitations. Looks like its up to you mate, sorry.
Hi guidebaba. Thanks for your support. I sailed pretty close to wind with this one and wasn't sure if I would get sunk.
Ananta65 thank you also. I had a heap of fun writing this hub. Bit embarrassing really but there I was giggling and laughing as I blindly went along.
Thanks guys I appreciate you stopping by and commenting.
WOW I'm only married two years now so I am still in the honeymoon stage but you give me a lot to look forward to. Thanks for an interesting funny read.
Dear Brainstormer, I really enjoyed reading your hub, it is so funny. You also gave me opportunity to see and read what is in brain of one man, it is such good education for knowing better the opposite sex.I just needed that experience, and you gave me through your hubs some answers I wanted. I like your sense of humor.
For some couples, vibrator is normal think. This has nothing to do with abilities of man. It is not easy to satisfy woman, because, our bodies are differently shaped. And like you guys, we also sometimes need some changes in bed. This is normal for human nature.
But the best in the sex for typical woman is foreplay. Good foreplay means: GOOD COMMUNICATION, A LOT OF WARM EMOTIONS; RESPECT, COMPLIMENTS (for good physical look especially, we do not like being criticised because our breasts are not like when we were 20, or few pounds too much. It is better to suggest improvements, and pay us cosmetic treatment,or Aerobic or Yoga classes then criticize), HELP IN THE HOUSEWORK; And please, dear blocks, take us out, show us beauties of this amazing world, be tender, responsible when needed and positive. That is the best longterm foreplay you can give us.
I wish you a lot of romantic&sexy moments in your life...and all the best for you and your wife.
candigirlnt. Thank you for your kind words. I still remember our honeymoon stage. I think we are on our third or fourth honeymoon stage now. It just keeps getting better. Good luck and best wishes.
Tatjana-Mihaela. I am glad you got a look inside a blokes head. But don't be too hard on our gender just because my head is so messy. I could not agree with you more about foreplay, supporting your partner, paying for their cosmetic treatment, being tender, being responsible, taking your partner out and I think I understood an overseas trip. Everyman should do as you suggest. I do in my defense help with the house work and Sally never has to yell at me to get me up from in front of the telly to assist. Frankly I think I do most of it . I appreciated your comment and your willingness to see the funny side of my hub as well as the serious.
LOL this was hilarious and a blast to read. The bottom line is sex after the first couple of years is missing all the right chemical ingredients. In the begging hormones are raging and you can satisfy with just kisses and an accidental graze. After decades of kids and dogs, you need a jackhammer and four hours of grueling labor to finish her off. Meanwhile, men remain almost exactly as they always were giving or taking perhaps 2 to 5 minutes tops. It's unfair, and it's on my list of things to discuss when I die should I discover there is a God who is interested in our affairs.
Great hub, keep em coming.
*glares at you as I pick up pieces of my sandwich which went flying all over my desk after laughing explosively at this hub*
Give a girl some warning would ya? Like..."should not be read while eating a sandwich"...
To be fair...my husband has his own little battery operated toy on his nightstand. It's called a remote control. The only difficulty is that he uses his toy more than I use mine and keeps stealing the batteries out of my uh...Mr. Bunny...
As for the American equivalent of the doona...try down comforter. Personally, doona works for me...less letters to type.
Great hub and I'm looking forward to more. Oh...and I'll swap you one smelly dog for five irritating cats...
Shadesbreath and Spryte I love your comments and I am off to visit your HubPages to see what other gems you have in store for me. I will laugh all day (its 7.00 am here in the land of OZ).
Shadesbreath, are we men or am I that transparent, here I was thinking that I had got away with telling the world how good I was and how “enlightened” I have become to put Sally’s interests above mine. But no you saw right through me. I am just lazy.
Spryte, sorry but it hard to type while still laughing. Are all us men the same? I mean my remote control lives on my night stand and I have already been warned off from stealing her batteries. What do you think was my real motivation for buying the extra large box of AA's. Mr ahh Bunny. Its funny how we tend to name objects that are closest to us. There is a hub there somewhere. I appreciate the offer about the cats. You will need to see Sally about that one. I have no say in dog matters apparently
Thank you both very much.
lol it was a fun read. Most entertaining bit was "doona". It's the duck's feather right? I know it's really warm and comfy.
Hi TravelAMP. Spot on although my wife assures me that "her" doona is filled with duck and goose down and is therefore much more comfortable - no spickey bits from the ends or quills of the feathers. I think there is probably a hub or two here also. Duvet is a common equivelent term used though they are not quite the same. Doona, duvet, eider one is OK.
Thanks for calling past.
That's a genius photo. Did you take it yourself?
Way to good to be one of mine besides that's me in the photo unless I did get replaced and am just too simple to have worked it out:) Your comment raises a good point though about crediting photos used in my hubs. I will think about that one.
Thanks for stopping by.
Brilliantly funny, reminds me of the fact I gave my first vibrator to "OXFAM" when I realised it was too rigid, uncomfortable and made of hard plastic rather than flexible rubber. I stuck it in a bag with loads of clothes etc I no longer wanted. I would have loved to see the old ladies faces when they found it, I expect they thought it was a neck massager or something.
My current Husband bought me a rubber "dildo" many years later, completely failing to understand that if it doesn't "buzz", it's pretty boring. That was donated to the "Red Cross" charity shop some months later in yet another bag of stuff I was getting rid of.
Finally, a friend of mine in Tenerife told me her vibrator ran from the electric supply, which I found sounded somewhat dangerous. When I finally got to see this "toy" I realised it actually was a back massager, but she had assumed because of the shape it was a mains operated vibrator!!! You should have seen her face when I explained this to her!
*blinks at misty*
You DONATED your toys???? LOL!! Not to be disgusting or anything, but isn't that like uh...donating a toothbrush or umm...well, other things that go into personal orifices? I mean, I'm sure you washed them off before donation (of course you did)...but...still...
Thanks Misty. I am killing myself laughing visualising some poor old dear shaking out your clothes to have your ex plastic plaything bounce onto the table. It would be a quandary. "Do I turn it on or not?. Quick glance over the shoulder. No one looking. Well maybe just for a second.." and I am going to stop my overactive imagination right about here on this one. Thanks for the comment, the encouragement and the laugh.
Misty and Spryte I have been looking for a topic to try out the new polls module. I think you have just determined what it shall be. "Things you should NOT donate to charity stores". See you at the polling station.
LOL, of course I did Spryte, otherwise something "fishy" would have been going on!! I just hope they didn't decide it must be an egg whisk or something.
Brainstormer, can't wait to read that Hub, sounds hilarious, and I will definitiely be looking to post on the poll!
PS. If the old Ladies did "work out what it was for", I bet they went home smiling more than they had in years.
I would also love to have seen it displayed on the shelves with a price tag on it!!!! LOL
"Anyone know what this is"?. "No idea dear - just stick it on the shelf with $1.00 on it. Maybe someone will work it out". The thing is how would or could you tell them. I think I would buy it, not say anything, just to get it off the shelf.
Or maybe I wouldn't. Maybe I would hang around a bit to see who else notices it. With a video camera.
Hey, what a great idea!!!!
LOL! Great hub poll idea Brain. And ewwwwww Misty...something fishy!! Hehehe!
Reminded me though of a recent trip to Vancouver with the hubby.
We were in our hotel room on the second floor, and as we tried to get settled, I threw open the windows to grab some of the great ocean breeze. Unfortunately, rather than having a calming influence we kept hearing this obnoxious buzzing sound. Was it coming from somewhere outside...some piece of equipment..wait no...was it coming from the floor beneath us...oh...wait...narrowing it down now...
It was coming from MY suitcase. Of course, knowing what I'd packed...I knew what it was, but my husband immediately thought I'd brought along Mr. Bunny. Instead it was one of those vibrating disposable toothbrushes and somehow it had gotten turned on. How long it had been on is anyone's guess...but I hope it didn't go through airport security like that.
Looks like Toothbrush is the latest Buzz word and good on you for catching that remark abouth "something fishy". I was pointedly letting that one get away.
Misty. Behave.
You could have added a polls-capsule here too, Brainstormer. To find out which type of toy the women prefer ;)
It would have a great and informative poll-capsule. Even as a bloke it would have been worthwhile. Good idea.
Brain This was a very funny Hub. But I am getting worried as you Aussies are taking over!
Vibrating toothbrush in the luggage Spryte! do you reall expect us to believe that one.
Misty donating vibrators to old ladies for charity. Sounds fishy to me too.
God help us when BT and Eric get here. This is a hub to get your teeth into in a manner of speaking of course. Do yoy think that Jackalopes use mini vibrators?
Pity that Doona got explained, I kind of enjoyed my own mental interpretation of that one.
In South Africa, we call the sea creature referred to a Prawn too. A shrimp here is a tiddly little thing used mainly aa a decoration on a seafood salad platter and is about as large as the first joint on a pinky finger and a lot narrower in circumference.
Great work Great comments Brain.
Jackalopes and mini vibrators.? I am not sure but they are horny all the time. BT could tell us I am sure.
Are you telling me that us Aussies have something bigger and better. Cool. My first introduction to the term shrimp happened the same time Bubba explained it all to Forrest Gump.
Bubba - "Have you ever been on a real shrimp boat"?
Forrest - "No but I have been on a real big boat"
Thanks for taking the time to call past and comment. As a newbie who is just learning the writing ropes, it helps.
P.S. Go Aussie Go Aussie Oi Oi Oi :)
Dang it all...I really thought I could keep the fact that I was a secret Aussiephile under wraps. In truth, I have a weakness for them...especially the men.
They could say something like, "You smell like an overflowing toilet" and I would swoon. It's that damn accent...which is not fair at all.
*emails Brain her phone number*
G'day spryte. You smell like an ... hell I can't even write it so no swoon for me today.
I'm off to check my emails.
Actually I reckon the proper lingo would be "you smell like a bucket of prawns in the sun"
Hey the prawns are back. Yahoo
Hey don't forget us mere mortals! My Uncle lived in Australia for over 30 years, and he was a great guy.My family nearly moved to Tasmania to be near to him (I wish we had now). Love the Aussies and would love to vist Australia, great country and great dry sense of humour all round.
Wish I could see the "Brumbies" too!!
Could there be two Aussiephiles? Cool.
Hey Tassie is a great place provided you stay away from the Queenstown Moonscape.
Dry humour, dry country, dry as a spinster working the Simpson Desert, dry as a dead dingos donga. Bloody oath we're dry. Ten years of drought will do that. I worked the Snowy Mountains for a while. The brumbies you see flying accross the alpine grasses on TV are what you see in real life. Its a sight all right.
Thanks Misty
One of the items on my bucket list (and no...not prawns) is a three week trip to Australia. Made a ton of friends there in my IRC days on Austnet so I wouldn't have to worry about places to stay in Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane...and I think I have Perth covered as well along with some smaller places in between.
Several of these friends came to visit here and we had a BLAST! Between watching one of them freak out over the amount of water in the toilet and trying to find a quiet way to pee...and nearly being poisoned by that vile concoction you all call vegemite, I have a lot of good memories.
It's just a damn shame that the time difference is such an interference when it comes to being social.
What I like most about Aussies is their attitude. Where Americans can be rather prudish...Aussies seem to have an innate gift for natural buffoonery. An American will get drunk and blame everything they've done on the liquor. An Aussie can get drunk and take pride in whatever they did while drunk! Gotta love that. :)
spyte - good place to visit. Sydney Harbour for example is still my of my favorite places in the world. We are pretty water conservation conscious and don’t allow more than couple of cupfuls in the bottom of the bowl. Yep makes it easy to do the stealthy pee when in a communal bathroom with multiple cubicles. Doesn’t help with involuntary flatulence though. Now I have read a lot of your Hubs and I have pretty well agreed with everything you have said but do not ever, ever say nasty things about that Aussie icon, Vegemite. Stone the crows woman.
OMG Brainstormer...how can you say that???!!! After that experience I can honestly say I know what it must be like to lick the bottom of the Dead Sea.
If I gathered correctly, "doona" is what Hungarians call a "dunyha": a featherbed quilt indeed as you have said. Possible etymology ;-)
Definitely a European connection there. Because it became a bit of an issue on this hub I looked the origins up. Wicki says the Aussie doona originates from the Scandinavian term dyne (which is pronounced doo-ne in Denmark).
I kinda like way "dunyha" "rolls" of the tongue. Sorry bout that one.
Cheers and thanks for your comment.
I decided to do it myself, Brainstormer, sorry :)
LOL I loved this story. Well done!
*grins at Ananta*
I think you've been nabbed by the Hub Police.
It seems you're right. I hope removing the pictures was enough. If not, the hub will have to go :(
Curioser and curioser said alice. when to we get a look through the looking glass Ananta?
I hope no hub has to go, otherwise I have to keep reminding him what I want for Christmas:P:P
I have removed the pictures of the goodies and resubmitted for publication, Sixtyorso. I hope that's enough to satisfy HubPages. Hopefully we'll soon findout.
If that's not enough... Then that's it: no HubPages 2008 Vibrator Poll
Anata: Maybe we can do an informal one right here? As a lifelong student of socio-cultural anthropology, I would be interested in these poll results - for the benefit of science, you understand. I'm sure the Brain wouldn't mind, would you Brain? (No, Pinky.)
I must say that I was very amused by the stories and it reminded me of an incident with my sister and my father many many years ago.
My sister used to enjoy going out clubbing when she was quite young and then return home in the early hours of the morning. All of which my father coped with quite admirably. However it all came to a massive head one Sunday lunch when my father asked my sister in all seriousness, " Debbie I do not mind you coming home in the early hours after all you need a social life. But why on earth do you have to shave your legs at 2.00 am ". Needless to say the whole table collapsed into laughter at my sisters embarassment.
That's funny!
Let's be patient, Christoph. Who know my hub will be approved now and we all get to know what we've always wanted to know ;)
LOL! cgisme! I love that story!
Flaming heck you lot ave been busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest. Bloke goes off for a bit of kip, wakes up, takes the dog for a walk, showers …has a “chat” to Sally. Its Sunday Morning over here you lot (that Sunday morning, you know what I mean) give a man a break.
Seriously though, it looks like I missed the birth of a poll, the death of a poll, and the possible resurrection of a poll. Fine line man. You should have looked at my adds above. There aren’t any. Not that I am complaining. As far as Hubpages moderators are concerned they seem to have given me the benefit of the doubt, so far, which I have greatly appreciated, but I wouldn’t want to stray much closer to the line. Good luck Ananta65.
Gamegirl – welcome and thanks for the comment. I must confess to have visited your Hubs as well and got a boot out your Navy camp Hub. Although I am new to HubPages and it would be a bit rude of me to cast my opinion re your picture versus content poll but I sure did cast a vote.
Sprite – :)
Sixtyorso – curiosity killed the cat but I am with you.
Lazur – just tell him outright. We blokes have a problem with subtle hints. They strain our neurons and drive us nuts.
Christoph – Oh no please no. sprytes comment applies. I see myself being dragged down to the Hub interrogation cells threatened and beaten with rubber “truncheons”. Besides I am already enlightened. I just buy batteries and silver sapphire brooches and that seems to be enough.
cgisme – Hey welcome dude and thanks for the anecdote titled Debbie gets busted. Good laugh and that’s what I have doing since I posted this Hub. Laughing my backside off.
Cheers all I am off to make a billy of tea.
Gosh I really think it is unfair if the vibrator poll is banned, after all, it was a great laugh and were all enjoying it! Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
Wow. No ads. I hadn't even noticed. With all the other stuff they advertise, you'd think they have many column inches of suitable ads. Did the hub police notify you?
I'm with you Spryte, I too, love the Aussie accent. Makes me think of wonderful romantic things.
Great hub, Brain :)
Misty - It has been an absolute blast. Personaly I would rather talk about and laugh about sensitive issues than hide them under the bed where they fester and rot. Our two kids are shameless in what they talk about and that is just the way I like it.
Christoph - I think the Google bots got me. No notification and no way to argue with them. For me sorting it out went into the too hard basket, and I am not that concerned anyway. I will pick up the hits down the track. HubPage moderators have let us play here because I think they saw the message in what I was writing about, or maybe they just laughed as well. Everything in moderation I guess.
trish1048 - fair dinkum it's beut that ya called past and I gotta say reading your hubs is as fine as a magpie's call in the morning.
Cheers
lol! I was not too sure what to expect when i came to this hub!!
Very enetrtaining!!
G'day compu-smart and welcome. I am glad you decided to take a chance and even more glad you got a laugh.
The more I read your hubs the more I appreciate how much I don't know about the internet. Thanks for stopping by.
Cheers
Funny and nicely written - Well Done!
LOL. Really amuzing how the comments turn out to be.
Awww, thanks Brain
caw caw caw,,
G'day Rik, thanks for calling past. Given the quality of your hubs I am pleased, very pleased that you commented as you did. Thanks mate.
TravelAMP - reading the comments has been as much fun as writing this Hub was. They are a hoot. Thanks for calling past.
trish1048 - :)
Well, I'm afraid the poll was off limits, so you may have to include one here after all :)
Bummer, but aint no way I am gonna run it here :) I am on probation I reckon as it is :)
To be honest, I’m still pondering on that. I find it a bit awkward that a hub on various vibrators is not allowed, while it is ok to write about Oral Sex and Masturbation. Yes, these hubs are out there. I won’t link to them though as I don’t want to be the one to get them flagged as well :)
Yes, it does seem strange that they aren't allowed, after all, it isn't as if they are illegal or anything, and I bet you can buy them on ebay, (wow what an interesting idea for the revenue capsule content!).
I haven't been here at hubpages long enough to know how the Moderators work. I saw the hubs in question and one of them seemed to be a copy and paste job as well. I don't know. Like I say its a fine line we and the Team have to negotiate.
I just checked ebay. Lots of concrete vibrators, plenty of massage machines but no vibrators that wouldn't get sent to the Charity Shop. :)
I gotta head off. 17 hour day tomorrow. Cherrs all.
A concrete vibrator sounds pretty uncomfortable to me LOL!
It is HARD though :P
AS opposed to those floppy ones you mean! :)
Wel... from the little research that I did for the deleted hub, the Jelly specimen seemed quite popular too, so you - obviously being an expert on the matter - tell me what to take into consideration *lol*
Firm but flexible is my advice, i.e. those rubber type ones, realistic shape is kind of nice too. Certianly not one that is so jellylike it needs a splint to stay straight LOL.
Thanks for this, it made me laugh so hard I was crying....I am going to bookmark this for sure, thanks again!
*snorts and falls over laughing at Misty's last comment*
Vibrators could make such a wonderful subject for a hub (A)
Hi guys, Just logged on and am dead on my feet and falling asleep at my keyboard but as always it is so cool reading all that you lot say. I guess it all comes down to personal tastes. I am not going to get too personal here but why settle on one type. Sally has a collection. Variety is the spice of life.
Misty, Ananta and spryte you have me thinking again. Maybe there is an industry here which we haven’t explored yet. You could set up some sort of consultancy where you could advise on the best "fit" for individual clients. Or maybe a repair shops for the toy which you can't bear to be parted from. Maybe we could start a society dedicated to the device that has put more happy smiling faces on women than Antonio Banderas. Is a religion too far out there? I don't think it is. As far as I can tell women worship there is a bit of worshiping going on here.
Stealing an Arlo Guthrie concept here, maybe we could change the way the world views these hidden under the bed playthings. I mean if just one husband and wife walked into grocery store and yelled at the top of their voice “We love our vibrator” and walked out, it would be kind of sad and probably get them arrested. But if two couples walked into the same grocery store and confessed their adoration to all the other shoppers, well people would quietly wonder if there was something in this vibrator idea. They would still get arrested but the seed would have been sown. But what if three couples a day, or four or maybe fifty couples a day walking in, can you imagine fifty couples a day walking in, grabbing a hold of the store PA microphone, and declaring to all that they were "happy users". Well it would be a movement. The Misty spryte and Ananta Big V support movement and I for one think the world would be a better place.
chantelg4 - Hi and Humm welcome. I am glad you got a laugh from the hub. At the end of the day that was what it is all about. Thanks for your kind words.
I can feel the vibes already, Brainstormer! :)
P.S. But the again maybe we are fixating on the vibrator. The hub after all was about the dog. :)
The consultancy idea sounds great, but not too sure about advising on the "best fit", as that might involve going places I would rather not go to measure up the client!! I can just see myself complete with the miners lamp on my head and armed with a canary and a tape measure, whilst boldly stating, "I'm going in, hang on to my ankles just in case I need pulling out".
That video was hilarious even without my speaking the language. I have forwarded the link onto a Dutch Couple I know who I am sure will enjoy it even more. She is a vet, so won't be too grossed out I hope.
Oh No This Hub just took a turn for the worst. I couldn't watch it all I had to stop it half way through as I was threwing up. I always have had a week tummy. We have been down some pretty gross paths Ananta but that took the cake:). As a public service and because I believe people should be able to keep their dinners in their stomachs I have sent the link away.
I did however wet myself laughing at the miners lamp, the canary and the tape measure going boldly where no man has gone before.
A turn for the worst? Well... if you take into consideration that in Dutch the word 'worst' means saucage then we're back where we started *lol*
I enjoyed your humorous article...lol
I'm not much for advising what toys should be used...hell, I don't even know what half of them are used for when I see them.
But I have been to several naughtie nightie and adult toy parties before. They can be a lot of fun.
Save it for a hub, Spryte *lol*
LOL oh nooooo Ananta :)
Well...mebbe...hmmm...it could be challenging to see if I could write along that fine line between what's acceptable and unacceptable to the hub management :)
Anne Summer's parties are hilarious and great fun!! Would make a great Hub Spryte if you dare!!!!!
Ananta, spryte and misty - There is no hope for us. I tried Hub Page Management I really did, do your wurst, we deserve it.
MsMetcalf - Hi and welcome. Thanks for dropping by and having a laugh. I look forward to going off and reading your Hubs when you publish. Cheers.
Guilty as charged LOL!
hahahha, i'm the same as your wife - though, my fiance doesn't mind lol.
Ahh an enlightened man. With me my enlightenment came from years of training, a lot of coaching and the odd beat around the back of the head.
Thanks for calling past and keep on laughing.
Oh no, this just keeps going. Now we're going down south :P I really look forward to a sequel of this.
Ahhh - the sequel. I can't say too much. The dog is watching.
I am shocked, SHOCKED, I say, to find you delinquents still discussing this...this...neck massager! I am working on a competing hub titled, " My TWO wives, a cat, and a penis enlarger."
Christoph, I am so sorry to hear you need a penis enlarger, especially with TWO Wives AND a cat, but it is refreshing to see you are comfortable with disussing it so openly :)
Hey the Adds are back. No way. Ok you two. Not another word about male enhancement procedures. I want to see if I can get through a full day without being censored off the adsense addworld. 24 hours its all I ask.
Okay, (sighs with disappointment), will behave myself now. :)
Yeah I know, what are we going to talk about now. :(
Did you look at the adds. they are a blast. You have;
Keys to a Happy Marriage - Read our bible-based articles on important keys to a happy marriage,.
right next to
Bali Brides - Ladies In Bali Seek Australian Men For Dating & Marriage. Join Free.
Adsense seems to be having trouble working out which side of the fence this hub sits on. At least they are trying. 3 cheers for adsense. I wonder if sucking up to a bot works?
waaooo, its good we are talking like a family, cause it takes two to tangle, support one another. Creat good team.
So you can start about sucking but can't discuss the wonderful world of enhancements of or substituins for the male body? That's odd...
Cause I was wndering if you've already taught the dog to fetch the vibrator?
New dog toy?:P
Ananta - 24 hours man. LOL
I didn't teach the dog a damn thing but I swear when the toy comes out to play the dog gets this look in its eye that lets me know my days are numbered.
Hiya Lazur - not going anywhere near that one. :)
efeglo - I couldn't agree more, sometimes around here it's like having this family dinner where every body sits around, eats and fights to see who can shock mum the worst. It takes a bit to shock my mum. Thanks for calling past and yes it does take two to tangle.
Well...It could be fun if the dog fetches the thing while it's being used *grin*
Sorry, Brainstormer. I'll get a grip
I think we are all without hope :)
ROFL you all are, definitely. But keep trying, it's really entertaining :D
Well, we can all agree to refer to it as 'the Thing' and I bet AdSense won't notice a thing ;)
Misty, about the "other thing", I got it for your husbands birthday.
I love this hub, so funny, and the coments just add to the humor. Great Job!
Christoph, he doesn't need it as he has had the implant now! I insisted :)
Groan, 24 hours, was that too much to ask for? I think we lasted about 1 hour before the dog appeared and started fetching.
The thing is team, ..... ohh man I just got it. Ananta just don’t grip too hard and you have taken us down a whole new male line, thanks buddy you'll be punished for that, in fact I think we're all going to hell, just some quicker than others.
The thing is team,.....hey Christoph and Misty can you actually get an inplant for men, because I wouldn't mind being able to compete on an even playing field again. I know I said I was kinda OK with the way "things" have worked out but I wouldn’d mind Sally turning me on for a change. I have been doing all the hard work up till now after all. Oh man, raises a few questions though, where the buttons and speed controls are and that sort of thing and I am not even going to touch on batteries.
The thing is you lot,….. stone the crows you got me doing it now. OK, OK, OK, I'm sorry, I am so sorry, time out please. Time reset and let’s go for the big one. 48 hours. 48 hours of add placement on this hub. That’s our goal. If we can get through 48 hours without adsense booting me, this hub and you my friends (because I am not going alone) into the “banned for life category” then I will be satisfied. No bot could ask for more from me and if we can exercise restraint for 48 hours then my work here will be done.
That’s the thing.
P.S. – Misha and gwendymom welcome back. Is there a hub up there? I can’t see it anymore. Anyway I better hit the frog and toad, Sally is insisting I put in at least ten hours today at the office.
Cheers all.
I saw a programme where they fitted an implant, it was really interesting, although my hubby couldn't watch. The guy simply had to "pump it up" when he needed it, and let it down afterwards. The problem was he still couldn't have the big "O", so he did it more for his wife than for himself as he had "a problem" that only a wooden lollipop stick and two elastic bands could have solved otherwise! By the way, it doesn't buzz.
(Really, I kept it clean, Adsense can't boot you out for this as it is medical science).
Two wives, a cat and a penis enlarger...
Now why did I think that was for the cat?
Has it been 48 hours yet? I was only thinking that this only meant 24 for me since I'm a day behind...
There are laws against doing that kind of thing with cats Spryte, although it reminds me of the story I read about what a certain lady did with whipped cream and her cat, but I shan't elaborate or Brainstormer will rap me over the knuckles for misbehaving again.
I suppose it might be rather painful to have something like that dragging through the litter box....
*angelic smile at Brainstormer*
Not much fun for the neighbouring female cats either!
On our way to hell, you say? Please let me be your guide *evil grin*
Things are allowed there, I can tell you that. I’ve even been told that they’ve got the wildest things down there.
As for your implant desires… Well we can arrange something when we’re down there. Until that time I’d advise you to buy one of those things with a remote control. Not only does it show that you’re ok with the thing, it will also put you in control. For once in your life, you’ll be pulling the strings. Or flipping the switch. I’ll leave you woth this something to ponder about for now.
Congratulations Ananta, you at least lasted 9 hours. Misty and sprite, a quick check of the log and a quick calculation puts your restraint at being, now let me double check, ahh yes, 25 minutes. ROFL
Thanks, I’m going for a beer. On the bright side, the adds are still there :)
P.S. Ananta – the control part can be a lot of fun.
38 hours and counting.
*looks at Misty and winks*
Wow...25 minutes. That's a LOT longer than I usually last.
I'm not going to say anything because that would be against Brainstormers wishes. Say, didn't he say he's going out for a beer. When the cat's away...? he, he.
Been away from this hub for a few days (I have actually written a couple hubs -travel and the hair thing) and what do I come back to! The topic has strayed somewhat and gone from bad (as in naughty) to WURSE ( german and dutch word for sausage) so go figure. I think you may have a delicate balance between hits and censure and I am sure this hub is treading a fine line so to speak. Just filling the gaps ha ha.
Ananta says; "For the record: the Dutch word for saucage is “worst”, not “wurse”". That is pretty interesting. The german for sausage is "wurst" from memory. There is probably a good hub here regarding the origins and differences in spelling of certain words Dutch = leverworst, german = leberwurst and English being liverwurst. I can probably talk about slight word variations for the next 36 hours if I have to. Keep it up guys and I will. :)
Thanks for calling by sixtyorso.
36 hours to go
Worst is correct for the Dutch and wurst for German. I was simply taking a liberty with the language to create my pun. LOL and I am doing my bit (by being subtle) to get the adsense hounds off your back!
Sixty - yep I got it. :) And I bless you for it man. I have got to get over and read your second installment for the Venetian Affair. The first one was great. Thanks for the help with the bots. Actually the adds up there are very good. These are no longer bots working here. There is a person working out how and what sort of adds are appropriate. Very clever too so big thumbs up to HubPages and Google adsense.
35.5 hours to go.
It shouldn't take that long before the ads for "battery powered saucages" will appear, should it?
What do we have here? Two Wives, a Doona, a cat, a dog, multiple synnonyms for the "thing" and what else? Anyone wanna help?
Make one typo. :)
TravelAMP Don't forget the movement. The anti - anti "thing" movement. 50 people a day is all it will take.
33 hours and counting
Seems like you've got something going here, Brainstormer!
Spryte, 25 minutes!!!!!!! I am lucky if I make it to 10 normally.
great hub! I say throw the dog in the hall and let the man and batteries go to work!!! can't wait to read the hub on the dog!
Okay so it's about 2:30 a.m., Friday morning for Brain...goooood he's sound asleep. :) Time for the northern hemisphere to make like evil shoe elves!
28 hours to go...
I've never really enjoyed sausage...whether it's wurst or whatever. Like other things, I'll eat it if I HAVE to...not because I WANT to. What about you Misty?
I don't mind a bit of sausage, so long as it is firm in texture and not full of gristly bits or coated in dried up cream-cheesey build up. I feel the fragrance is the most important part, as this is what makes a sausage so appetising, and of course the overall quality of the meat is important.
25 hours to go - but the count has stopped. Tic - ...
The adds have gone. 23 hours into our challenge. We have failed. Why couldn't we have focused on english literature, or the value of using aluminium cookware.
I have lost.
On the bright side we have a new friend in Misty Magic. Welcome and I ducked off to read your hub. Great read.
Now Misty. H., Ananta and spryte, don't go beating yourselves up over this. This may just be a glitch.
I'm off like a brides nightie all. Cya
It's all about hygiene, isn't it Mistyhorizon?
Beat myself up? About that? What did I do? Turned this greasy comment thread into a culinary exploration, that's what I did (A)
I won't beat myself up. Looking back I only said the word "penis" and it was once. :) Okay...twice now.
See...that whole quality of the meat thing is what gets me. You really have no idea what has gone into that sausage...or vice versa even.
I didn't even mention that. I may have said something about vibrators, but hey... he started it! Not my fault. No way.
Brainstormer I believe aluminium cookware is very good and easy to clean, especially good for frying sausages in!
Ananta, yes hygiene is very important, especially with sausages. I recommend using only a reputable source to ensure high quality. Of course good preparation is also a major part of the end result :)
Spryte, I agree that you need to know what has gone into that sausage and vica versa, after all no-one wants a fish sausage do they?
Hope the adverts are back soon Brainstormer, perhaps you could put some of the Revenue Capsules on for aluminium cookware!!!!!
This is a hoot! Best comments I've seen in a while.
Yes, I have had heaps of fun with this hub.
Where when you in HIgh School ENglish class!? We needed your articles there :)
Thanks for sharing. I'm many others are in similar situations.
may I say Doggy style ......
Hey Brain...congratz btw. You are in the HOT hub list. :)
This one really got me to read it word-for-word on the look out for what's next with the dog! LOL
Fantastic hub!! I love your wit and the story is great! And yes, hey, if you can add to an already good thing, then why not?
(and sorry about the dog,,,,hehehehe)
So I see we are hung (up) on sausages and quality of meat and have absolutely destoyed the Google bots. no ads!
wow! Wife dog and vibrator....that was quite the catchy title! I love it.
Y'know...I was just re-reading the comments and how could we have missed this little gem....and I quote, from Shadesbreath...
"The bottom line is sex after the first couple of years is missing all the right chemical ingredients. In the begging hormones are raging and you can satisfy with just kisses and an accidental graze. "
Freudian slip? Perhaps. I didn't realize that begging causes hormones to go completely bonkers...but it does explain my husband's idea of what constitues foreplay...
Ouch!
Could you please, please, PLEASE stick to the subject, Spryte? Please?
G'day all,
Sorry about the delay in getting back to you my friends, I was called away which happens from time to time. More so in our Summer.
Now, whats been happening,
1. The count got stopped when the adds went west. Ohh well. I liked the count more than I like the cent a day although I did think the adds were clever.
2. Then there seemed to be some confusion as to whether this hub was about food, hygiene or cookware. The title is quite clear, it's about a dog.
3. Which brings us to adrainsean's comment about the puppy with good style. Thank you for your input man you will fit in here quite nicely.
4. D.J. made on owlish appearance and left considerable “comment encouragement” to our small group of linguistic miscreants. Thanks D.J. I owe you one good buddy.
5. esocial wants me to write for high school English students which, although I appreciate the sentiment, would probably get me arrested. Welcome anyway and thanks :)
6. jazzdrive3 fesses up to having similar issues at his/her household and all I can say to that is “well done, confession is good for the soul”. Welcome
7. rbnstr08 arrived on the back of a white steed and suggested we all need to keep an eye out for the dog which is sound advice as “Satan’s Little Helper” is watching us now, all of us.
8. Dorsi paints a funny picture and suggests that if you are on a good thing then stick to it. Good advice and thanks for visiting.
9. patcagmak also popped in for a g’day and considering she has Hub titles such as “Lets talk about sex baby” can be considered as an Authority Hubber in this sorry niche. Welcome too and “Yeah baby”
10. Lastly – sixtyorso. Mate. I expected better from you. A man of your experience with life should be able to rise above all the innuendo and set a good example. Next time I leave I will be putting you in charge of crowd control, but I want to see some changes man.
Now, Misty, sprite and Ananta. I want a word. I love you all dearly, but we only lasted 23 hours. 23 miserable tiny little hours of continual add placement. I think that says something about us, don't you?
LOL, agreed, we are all a little perverse, but oh what fun :)
LOL i hate this
*puts on my most remorseful expression*
Ananta started it...
Sure, blame the guy in the dress...
...if you didn't look better in it than I do, I wouldn't be forced to act so churlish.
You all have completely taken over this hub. At least Brainstormer showed up briefly 9 hr. ago. I was sure he was last seen swimming off into the Australian Southern Ocean 2 days ago, driven to his desperate action by this insanity. So can we talk dirty again?
If it's any comfort, Spryte... You look better out of it *lol*
You ever been chased by a twenty foot shark with HubPage Moderator stamped into its dorsal fin. No fun.
In reverse order.
Ananta - yep :)
Christoph - NO
spryte - don't be churlish
Ananta - its always the guy in the dress.
Misty - Ohh perverse is a bit harsh.
Ananta: LOL! Touché!
Hm, I don't recall having reached that phase (touché) yet but...
Never mind, I don't want to embarrass Brainstormer and I don't want to get him into trouble again
*Padum... Padum... Pom Pom Pom Pom*I'm already having visions of Brainstormer, personalized by Robert Shaw, trying to kick his way out of the Jaws of a HubPages moderator
Onja mate, you've got em eatin our of your dog dish.
Btw When is Sally going to do a Hub with her side of the story?.
Now there really is a Sally isn't there? Now be honest.
agvulpes - G'day mate. How's Melbourne? Sally has threatened to a few times to straighten this lot out. So far I have kept her pacified but it has been close. Its the dog that I am having difficulty controlling.
Thanks for coming around.
Bah...I really wish they'd come out with next week's topic already. Isn't it close enough to Monday in Australia? :)
Yep.
Brainstormer, did my last comment offend thee, as you unapproved it? Apologies if it did! :)
I wanted to ask that question two days ago, Misty :)
Gosh, did you get one unapproved too Ananta, we must have been bad!!! :)
to the bone (just not sure if I can get away with the word 'bone') *lol*
I guess it all depends on whether you put an an "R" at the end of the word bone LOL. :)
Bad Boy, Bad Girl.
I have been asked to clean up is all. Doesn't mean I don't love ya
I'm off to work
Yes I reached the end of the page!.. My finger hurts from scrolling:'( That's what you call cleaning up?:P
Whoops sorry Brainstormer, will try to behave better in future, (winks at Ananta).
Great hub and what a title!
I would never ended up in your page if you hadn't add the word Dog! That's a catcher, I tell you!
Hmmm...you were asked to clean it up huh?
*fidgets*
Okay...I'll be good.
*fidgets*
Sooooooo......
*fidgets*
How was your day.....?
Hey, I'm innocent! The bone was for the dog. I found it a bit sad that nobody seemes to pay attention to the poor animal.
Very funny thanks for the laugh!
nice hub, funny stuff man. :)
excellent hupage congratulations
This is the funniest thing I've read. Ha Ha. lol. well as a female I get it. some men don't understand how the female body works and some females don't understand their own bodies. I too had that same issues of not knowing.
However at 40 i am excellent at it. In sex no matter what you name it or why your doing it The end result is the same designation for everyone. stars.
it is so easy. men slow it down if your goal is to make her scream.
woman. as he pulls back. use your muscles to slow him down. use them to pull him back in. learn each others style. get it. thrust inward together and out together when he is pull his hips outward use your muscle. it works everytime. soon you won't use the thing much.
Hey the dog is soooo cute.
G'day Mate, just dropped in for my weekly fix, so to speak.
They just will not behave will they? to the naughty corner I say!
LOL Misty has created her own naughty corner. Head on over and have a look if you haven't already its a blast.
Cheers
great article, and yes they do actually help the relationship. :P
G'Day Kel and welcome. No one was more suprised than me.
Cheers
You might want to try learning to manipulate the g-spot. Incredable. :)
Brain...You can't possibly expect me to be good with these sorta comments coming in??? *stomps foot* It's not fair....I never got to write porn like Ace Productions (and trust me I can do it reeeeeeal good). Just you wait til Ananta and Misty find out about THIS!!
Attani - hi and welcome and thanks for the advice.
spryte - behave and don't have a hissy fit. I thought the g stood for good. My mistake is all.
LOL! I'll draw you a map if you really think you need it :P
Stone the bloody crows!
A bloke goes on a holiday for a couple of weeks, and comes back to --- THIS!
Innuendos, Peccadillos, and probably the odd Armadillo as well!
Brainstormer - great hub. You're obviously taking lessons from Shadesbreath, spryte, and some of the other more cheeky hubizens. (In fact, from your profile pic, you could well be the love child of Shadesbreath)
And Misty - big mistake not to come and live in Tasmania - it's a great place.
My head is spinning with all the possible comments I could make here, but methinks I just better shut up. :-)
Eric G.
G'day Eric and welcome back from Hol's. Thanks for you comments. Thanks also for your reticence, I am having enough trouble controlling this lot as it is. About being the lovechild of Shadesbreath, Shhhhhhhhh. his missus doesn't know but as soon as the DNA tests come back I am hoping to get some money out of him.
G'day blue, Misty says Hi thanks for the intro.
really great hub! an eye-opener and entertaining too! but i'm excited to know what's the role of the dog....????
The poor dog has got lost in the shuffle I think. Maybe he's hiding too afarid to come out.
This would make a GREAT movie title, "THE WIFE, THE DOG and THE VIBRATOR." lol!
Starring, maybe Woody Allen, Sarah Silverman and Disney's Pluto! Where's the bone?....lol!
When I was with my ex we had 2 dogs and the vibrator. I used all as leverage for my snoring.
G'day AG just don't blame me if she she inspects your soap when she comes visiting.
VILMADOESNT - Thanks for your encouragement. The dog reads everything I post so I gotta be real careful what I write here, but the dog is wrong and I think .... here it comes ......later.
OK the dog has gone.
Gwendy, na the dog is very close, always in the shadows and it is afraid of nothing.
G'day Paulie and welcome. Great movie title and good casting mate except for Pluto, Tassie the Tasmanian Devil would be more appropriate.
Hey funnybone. Sometimes you have to work hard to keep the peace.
I leave this hub for a few days and when I come back I find I am part of the discussion, disgraceful, what did I ever do to deserve this, (smiles knowingly).
Misty, (.with a tear in my eye..) We missed you but you know what you did.
Guilty as charged!!! (winks)
Its OK Brainman we have seperate bars , of soap that is, minds above navals now, For the very reason so that we know who to blame for that subject matter no one seems to want to mention here.
This is great. I really had fun reading it. :)
Having witnessed how I have been discredited and how my reputation has been smeared in spite of my positive intentions to add quality to this hub, I can so totally relate to the dog in the picture. I recognize the agonized look, the poor animal must feel exactly the same as I do: a cast out, a paria. But, like the dog, I will not give up and stand my ground.
Hey Ananta65 a word of encouragement from a Dinky Di Aussie. Keep swinging, your class will shine throught in the end.
Wispers behind hand (What the hell doe's that mean?)
I don't care what it means, I like the sound of it, agvulpes :)
G'day An65, (pity you wern't born in 69).
Wasn't sure if you would get the aussie humour. (wink)
D’day to you too agvulpes. Always good to get to know someone over a discussion about a wife, a dog and another not-to-be-mentioned object. Ain’t humor (or humour as some of you prefer to call it) a universal thing?
Hey AG, you certainly fitted right in. Ananta, any character assassination was not intentional and to show I am sorry I will give you a comment space free of moderation for 24 hours. You are too important to us not to have you feel welcome.
Hi Beth, just been reading your hubs. All good advice. Now do have any advice for our little club?
SPRYTE - where the hell are you.
Hi Brainman , Dont know if i'ts old age catching up but I thought this Hub hit the ton before tea is there any way to find out, If so let me be the first to congratulate you. If not (shrug of shoulders).
You know damn well that it ain't no fun if it's allowed, Brainstormer. Besides, I think pretty much everything has been said about the artificial pleaser and the dog, right? Maybe it's time to shift the attention to your wife?
This has to be one of the longest comment if we go on to the wife. :)
Oh well... Brainstormer has been whining and barking ("bad boy", puhh), but deep down inside he's all too greatful as this hub has been on the first pages of the Hot Hubs for quite some time now.
Sorry been out on location all day.
I dont think Sally would be to pleased if I spill all the beans. I mean how much personal can we get.
Ananta - yeah I know I moan and groan but you are right. It has been featured a long time and as a beginner hubber its all very encouraging. You are also right in suggesting that it would not still be there if not for your, sptyte's, Misty's and a whole lot of other new friends support. And for that I will take this opportunity to say thank you. Thank you all. It has been a blast.
P.S. Sally says I am dead if I even think about talking about the leather stuff.
Ananta - that didn't read quite right. I just was trying to say that HubPages works best when we give each other support and that I appreciated the support you guys have given me.
Cheers Mate.
You just got my attention!
Hey B.T. - where did you come from? You just kinda sprung up outa no where.
That's my specialty. You just never know where I'm hiding! It's been a full time job lately, trying to keep all these batteries charged up.
You're welcome, Brainstormer. It's a fun hub, with fun comments :)
ha ha fooled me there..
*peeks in*
Sorry...I've been stalking Shadesbreath. I think he spotted me though and ducked into some boring hub about the economy...*shudder*
You know...looking at BT's icon...he sorta reminds me of Mr. Bunny. Well, Mr. Bunny doesn't have antlers...ouch...that would be painful.
So what have I missed? It's Friday and I have a whole weekend of havoc to wreak...
Time to get Mr Bunny, Spryte? *lol*
Mr. Bunny has no specific schedule...I'd like to think I'm more spontaneous than that :P
Wouldn't you know it? All this hot steamy language made my "motherboard" pop a capacitor. (sigh)
And moisture won't do much good for it either, will it agvulpes?
An65 was that you who hacked into my web cam.
We seem to have got off the subject,somebody mentioned something about a dog being gone. What dog?.
Actually I was trying to upload phishing software to Mr Bunny, but apparently I got the wrong port.
Dog, what dog?
You know what they say about rabbits? and I asked first about the dog.
I think I'll leave that port hole alone don't want to get the B'man into trouble do we?.
Good job over on the forum . wheres part 26?. LvvvvOL
Ar, just can't help myself, you do know what "they" say about any port in a storm?.
Hi there! I have to say, your hub and the comments that came after it are the funniest thing I have seen in years! I had to go get the tissue to wipe the tears from my eyes so I could fininsh reading it! :o) On of the MANY things I do(takes a lot to work from home) is sell those battery opperated friends you all have been talking about at home parties. And it is funny how often a man's first reaction is that he is in some way lacking. I think if more couples opened the communication lines, they would realize that vibrators fall in to the fulfill a fantasy category. They fill a need that can't be met any other way, really, it is the monogamous woman's threesome. They offer an outlet for sexual release when their partner is too tired or unable to perform, or when he just wants to cuddle and watch. The sex play opportunities are endless, and to be explored together. And couples that play together? Have a much better chance to stay together. :o)
Hey! Do you sell battery operated friends (uglier than myself of course) with whom I can go out to pick up chicks? He must be able to keep up a basic conversation and order a beer or two *lol*
Ananta...that would be a MAN. i wouldn't try installing batteries into him...but I'm sure you could find an ugly specimen.
And I don't want to hear anything more about port holes in any sort of weather! Mr. Bunny is not a computer and cannot be phished...sorry Ananta. However, I believe I read somewhere (while doing research for an article of course) about a device that could be operated over the computer.
katie - I think I've been to one of your parties. Do you sell those lip-shaped things? :)
Forget the dog...that would be bestiality and I'm sure Brainstorm isn't thinking along those lines.
G'day Katie - LOL "a monogamous women's threesome", good line with a lot of truth in it. Thanks for calling past, commenting and letting us know about your party experience. I think we will be in a truly enlightened and sexually relaxed society when husbands and wifes attend plaything parties together, and the husband can have informed input as to the best shape, correct design and so on. "we tried one like this but found the flipper position all wrong"
The rest of you - sometimes when I read your comments I wonder if you all wouldn't be better off getting a room somewhere. Maybe thats what HubPages needs, a room where we all can meet over a bottle of red with a cheese plater and fruit, where we can discuss any issue we like other than the economy.
LOL! Are you kicking us out Brain? :)
I now have a picture of the party having long been over...and some of us still hanging out while you want to clean up, get some sleep and go to work...
It's okay...tell me...I can handle it...*sniffle*...I'll just take my cheetohs and find another place to defile...
Can somebody please explain to me why I'm visualizing thumper with two little blue teeth and an usb-connection?
What kind of room did you have in mind, Brainstormer? *innocent look*
Na, until HubPages comes to the party and gives us a party room we might as well use my room to party on in. This party may have a bit of life left in it yet and there is nothing wrong with being the ones who are found next morning draped over the couch with empty wine glass in hand and a phone number written in ink on the back of your hand. It probably is about time though I got off my backside and posted another hub. However, if you are going to go off and defile someplace leave your cheetohs will ya and stop sniffling. It's not spryte like.
Ananta - I suggest one with decent music, lots of couches, and a never ending supply of good grog.
Dim the lights and I'' be there ;)
I cannot defile without a proper cheese puff supply...so I guess I'll just stay here until a room opens up somewhere.
Btw...whose number is this on the back of my hand?
I'm miffed,( sniff)( sniff) No invitation. Must be too Okker?
Well I'll just collect my blue healer "Flipper" and go home.
Spryte, f it ends with 69 - believe it or not - then it's mine :)
Amusing. 'Bed time' stories are fun... I just wrote one about insomnia, which is sort of the opposite of bed time, come to think of it. And also lacking a dog.
Oh, and I know how you feel about the flees... cats roam around my bed.
I'm not coming unless there's leather???
Good stuff - this thread is so much better than anything on the forums!
G'day ag, Rik and Ananta. Its a good thread.
spryte - cheese puffs noted.
Kalinda - Thanks for calling past and I hate the flee thing. Bloody dog.
I've got to correct you here, Brainstormer. Chinese Balls come with a thread, not vibrators.
Ananta - Why am I not surprised by your number?
And I'm truly sorry to hear about the Chinese balls..no wonder they squint. I would too if somebody yanked on my thread...
Flee thing? Flee? Do you mean FLEA? As in...those blood sucking little hoppy things? And you think Shade got bent outa shape over the word rediculous? Wait til he hears about flees. I'll give you a head start...but you may want to start running now. I hear his sarcasm is far-reaching.
*wonders what agvulpes looks like in leather*
Because dirty minds think alike, Spryte, that's why *lol*
Hi I'm new here....I hope in the future I can write something as clever as this...my hubby thinks vibrators are weird...but whatever makes me happy. Funny thing was we had the kids and not a dog. Dogs are funnier.
Weird vibrators, that's well worth writing a hub about, Gypsydancer. Come on, surprise us! :)
"Blood sucking little hoppy things". Ha. I never noticed that.
Flee, flow, fie, flumb, I spell as badly as anyone.
Do you think anyone else noticed? People can be so polite at times. Thanks spyte. Whats wrong with "rediculous"?
Shade's pet peeve might be rediculous...but mine is flue. As in...I'm sick and I have the flue. I'm not sure how coughing and sneezing gives you a chimney part, but there ya have it. I'm now adding flee to that list.... :P
So what if the flee gets the flue?
Id the flee geds sick maybe ids flee sick.
You've never seen a fox get out of a leather suit?. Hmmmm
rhetorical question only.
Pleeeaaassse don't answer that an65.
Oh well if you must you must.
Sprite sorry to hear you have the flue, you might need to consult a good chimney sweep?
btw B'man how's Sally these days.
I'd like to stay and play...but I must hub!
:P
Let's get this Hub back in the Hot Hub list where it belongs :)
If you girls stay to play, I bet it will be hot again :)
Are you going to stay and play too Ananta, we could invite Spryte round to make things more interesting!!!
If it's hot, how could I leave?
And would we let you ? :)
LOL It's gonna be much harder second time, but it is doable :)
Interesting idea...a menage au hub? I'm well rested and able to go again.
Let's go for it then, the latest Hub challenge :)
Can we talk dirty now Spryte?? (winks wickedly whilst checking over her shoulder for Hub Police).
We can give it a try...but if not here, Constant Walker seems to be up for a food fight on my Irritible Male Syndrom Hub. It might be a bit one-sided since he's only armed with an apron, shoes and a baseball cap. *evil grin*
He-he-he :) I don't think Hubpolice looks at content of comments - as long as it is not outright spam...
You'll have to endure probably several days of preferably uninterrupted conversation though to get it to the first page again :)
Did someone mentioned a menage a hub?
Well, Princessa, I am sure that somewhere along the line someone has mentioned it, but why don't you tell us about it all the same? I would like to hear you discuss menage a anything.
A menage à hub? I'm all for it! The wife, the dog and a menage a hubrator, sounds good :)
LMAO - Well, with a tear in my eyeI woke up to find you my friends have been busy.
What I like about HubPages is that when someone is sick and coughing up big green gollies of phlegm you all can be found sitting around the death bed giving what comfort you can.
Thank you all and thank goodness we don't spam.
I though about enlisting all your aid to see if this poor old dog of a story could be revived just to see if it could be done but decided to let sleeping dogs lie.
Menage a Hubrator. I actually like the sound of that.
We were worried sick, Brainstormer! Glad to see a sign of life from you. You take your time to recover, you hear? We'll watch your hub for you *evil grin*
Hey, we are doing quite well so far, keep up the good work guys and gals. I am off to chase down that pesky Mr Bunny and drag him back this Hub. Spryte, hand him over, stop wrestling with me for him, you''ll break him. Whoops !!
Come on gals, stop fighting, can't you use it together?
Don't spoil the fun, Misha! I was already preparing a mudbath for them *lol*
things move quickly around here, I was just preparing for the "menage a hubrator" and now we are on a mudbath?... I'll better go and get my rubber ducky :-)
Aha, that's what you have in mind. Sure, keep fighting girls, we'll keep watching :)
Yeah, your outfit is already appropriate, Princessa (at least, if you're wearing what you're wearing on your profile picture) *grin*
Mudbath, Mr Bunny, three women and Ananta, with Misha as an audience, sounds illegal or at least messy. :)
Heya Princessa - Ohh we are so going to hell.
Why is it the fun things are so often illegal or messy and how come only Misha gets to watch? Don't leave Sally out.
Ananta - could you watch things for me I gotta get to the office.
Yes! I am watching too. No, no, I insist. No, its no trouble at all. Glad to be of service, so to speak. I'll bring the edible body paint, for the dog.
Good 1 more for the audience. I am going to charge a fee to try and recoup lost adsense monies.
I just went and had a shower getting ready to go earn some money, but all I could think about was this mud bath idea. I had this tune/ ditty/dirge rolling around my head which I may as well sing for you as I probably won’t be able to get rid of it all day now.
“Mud, mud glorious mud,
Nothing quite like it for cooling the blood,
So follow me follow,
Down to the hollow,
and wallow in glorious, glorious mud.”
Then I had this image of a pied piper type scene where we all traipsed down to the muddy hollow down by the river amongst the gum trees with our towels draped over our shoulders and singing, Mud, mud glorious mud. Now where the hell did that come from?
*tiptoes out quietly with Mr. Bunny jammed in her....pocket...*
*whispers* It's okay Mr. Bunny...they won't even know you and I are gone. I left my cellphone under the seat cushion on vibrate. I'll call them as soon as we get farrrrr away.
Spryte, had Mr Bunny run out of batteries or was there another reason your phone was under your seat cushion on vibrate?
By the way, I have implanted Mr Bunny with a tracking device so we can find you anywhere, and him for that matter, wherever he is !!!
Christoph, I hardly dare ask, but why would you want to paint the dog with edible body paint? I am now seriously worried about you :) (whispers, 'Brain, I suggest you hide the dog for it's own safety')
I left the phone for your use :P
A...umm...decoy! Yes, that's it...a decoy! Or a placebo...mebbe...
You might find me...but you'll never get Mr. Bunny, never!! I'll give him up when you pry him from my uh...never mind that thought. I just grossed myself out.
Grossed youself out?
I know that bunnies multiply rapidly, but it boggles the mind to think that you have 143 more of them!
However, that would explain the battery delivery van outside your house on Google.
Watch things for you? No way, Misha and Christoph are the ones watching. I'm in the middle of something messy (and I like it). I feel like a mudrator, Whoa!
Where do you thing You're going, Spryte?!
LOL Eric...funny you should say that. I came home from work and found a fresh stash of batteries on the kitchen counter. The uh...remote control was dead. Perfect timing on my husband's part...
Ananta: Well...as much as I want to play with all of you tonight I have a previous engagement :P It's the premiere of Survivor and yes...I'm addicted to that show. *sigh* Well...we all have our dirty little secrets I suppose.
Where is everybody? Mudbath is empty, and only bunnies are jumping around...
Shhhhhh. Let the Bunnies sleep.
Well, with the weekend starting and all that I've got s few things planned as well, so I guess y'all have to fall back to the vibrator *lol*
There's always the weekend to come yet though, and that mud isn't going anywhere :)
sorry guys, last night went to look for my rubber ducky and found a rubber doll instead -an anatomically correct copy of Mr. Universe- (I'd been wanting one since I saw this boys walking their rubber doll on the beach a few weeks ago) so... I suppose I do not have to explain my absence ;-)
Well you don't have to explain your absence. I mean it's not mandatory, but I was hoping you would, in detail, blow by blow, in colour, .....stop it.
Sorry Princessa.
Sorry Sally.
Sorry Mum.
Brainstorm: Just trying to be polite (batting eyelashes) Wouldn't like to be spanked for leaving the room so rudely.
'blow by blow', the mind boggles!!!
Spanked, the mind boggles!!!
What alot of boggling going on!!
Hang on guys, what was that Misty, Oh "boggling" OK , carry on!(must get that new hearing aid)
See I have been watching just didn't want to be a party pooper! Nice mudbath!
What a down-to-earth hub and very well-written! I'm joining your fans club.
Hi Cris - great hub, as usual - hate to say this but I am such a man my wife doesn't need anything like that....gnats...anyhow...did I forget to tell you how I can please my women by just...gnats...wtf...anyhow, back to what I was saying. Just like tonite; I come home, tell my wife what I want for dinner - she makes it and leaves the room ...flies?... gnats?...aargh...
One must understand that in order to truly please a woman.... gnats, flies, mosquitos??? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT BUZZING SOUND.
.
.
be right back.
.
.
I am so embarrassed....
.
.
.
.
I am so hurt....
.
.
.
she started without me....
.
.
.
again...
.
.
.
.
.
sorry for all that. It seems the wife was getting the vibrators we purchased ready. You see, it was my turn this month to pick something to do for date night - so off we'll be in a little while to drop our "presents" off in peoples carry-on luggage at the airport. Tata for now!
Hey man this was a helarious one. Very funny and at the same time it tell you "Do not panic"! I am not yet married but will remember it when get. It is a great Hub man. Thanks!
Great stuff! Very funny writing style.
BTW...I actually bought my wife a vibrator for Valentine's Day, so I guess I beat her to it.
I hope the dog doesn't chew on the vibrator! lol
This is very funny, I could not do like this!
Rockchick 3 years ago
HAHA What a great article!! Glad to hear you haven't been 'replaced'. ;) And great that she looks into methods to be 'satisfied' rather than looking outside the marriage ;)